Eulogy Lyrics
It was the final year inside the bubble.
It was a time where I was at my absolute worst. I never have felt so low in my life. I was pathetic. I felt broken, smothered by the unbearable lightness of my being. I hated myself. My heart was crushed, my soul was defeated, and myself was so far gone. Sometimes looking back I couldn’t believe I had the audacity to even smile.
That whole year I was down. It affected everything; friendships, commitments, and promises. So many broken promises. Empty words. Lies.
“Hey, you don’t look so good?” “I’m fine, just tired I guess.”
It was perhaps the most selfish time of my life. I cared only about myself, and gave my parents and family so much heartbreak. To them, I was supposed to be the future of this family, the smart, only male child that would do great things. My grandpa always believed in me and bragged about me all the time. But I really messed up that year, and in the end didn’t live up to the expectations everyone had of me.
Rejection from my dream colleges was the last straw. I had utterly resigned myself from the world. Every word I spat out was forced, and I hated everyone including myself. I even began to forsake God. But one day after church, my grandpa comes up to me, and I almost loathed him for it. But his face was so happy and innocent. He said that he was still proud of me, and he knows I’ll do good. He said that he knows that I’ll be the grandson he always thought I would be.
I wept and thanked him over and over.
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In a lot of ways, my grandpa’s life was unfinished. He never got to fully realize his potential. He was a brilliant man, confined by the weaknesses of his body and unfortunate circumstances. Some of his final delusions were of him being the man never was, illusions of riches and power. I hated seeing him like that, degraded to someone I couldn’t even recognize. But he had a loving heart and a sagacity that few could match. He could even love a pathetic failure like me. And God do I love him for that.
And now, in his final days, I wonder how he feels about his life. I hope that he became content with his life, because even if he never was who he wanted to be, I still thought of him so highly. We all did.
You left too soon, old man. Too soon. I wanted you to see me graduate and get into medical school. There was so much to say and do, and I regret that I didn’t get to see you that often. But now that I’ve turned my life around, I hope I can make you proud.
Rest in peace.
